This is my first blog entry from my iPhone 3G. It is waaaaay cool but typing takes a bit longer. Neato! This is the night when my brother let me smear chocolate pudding on his face, boys are so gullible!

100 Dolla Bills yall

wow.

I haven’t been here in a while, not because I didn’t want to but because I’m not sure what to say. Life has been pretty heavy. Anyone reading this already knows my family has had more than it’s share of hard times but I wonder does it end?

Just found out about 2 months ago that my 12 year old brother has macular degeneration, an eyesight deterioration that is normally found in seniors. What this means is that he is going blind and there is no cure. While I try to sort out in my head what kind of life my baby brother is going to have, I find myself asking God, why? I have always been so convinced that everything happens for a reason but I have to admit that I am starting to waiver. I am starting to wonder if I will ever understand why things happen to my family the way that they do or if I will always be in the dark. And speaking of being in the dark, is there a light at the end of this tunnel?

I am so angry and confused; so bitter and so sad that God allows this to happen to my family who have done nothing but love and serve Him. I pray that the Lord changes my heart because I am not sure how much more of this I can take.

So for a few years now I have been listening to This American Life on NPR’s free weekly podcast. It is “that show by those hipster know-it-alls who talk about how fascinating ordinary people are” to quote the O.C. I don’t actually watch the O.C. but on NPR I heard them discussing how This American Life made it on to this fictional TV show. Anywho, this is a show that is so fascinating because it reveals what is true about me and about us as humans. They do shows about everyday minutiae that you would never think would make for interesting radio. For instance they did a show about superintendents, you know the guys who manage your building? One of my favorite shows was a show all about testosterone, don’t ask me why, I think it just brought to light something that you would never ordinarily think about. Another show that I loved was a show about Guantanamo Bay and things that you never knew you wanted to know.

There is also a television series on Showtime which is even more fascinating because I don’t have to imagine what things look like, what the places they visit look like. (although there is something to be said for getting to use my imagination as an adult) The show last night was incredible, they filmed an Iraqi 20 something, that lives in America and travels around the Midwest and the South asking people why they voted for the war in Iraq. I was so surprised by the answers people gave. I am shocked that many people in this country live in such ignorance. I would encourage anyone seeking truth, seeking beauty in life and in human kind to give this show a chance either on the radio or on TV.

umm I don’t even know what to say.

Holy crap this rollercoaster was an adventure.  I am surprised i didn’t barf all over the place.  Check it out next time you are at Magic Mountain in CA.

I was going to write a post to tell everyone to stop worrying about me. . . that i’m fine. But then i started thinking about it and I’m not really that fine. I don’t really know what to say other than I have no idea what to do about my brother situation. Eric is not talking to him either right now, not by choice but because my brother won’t communicate with us. It’s like he totally cut us out. He is going through some really hard stuff right now and for whatever reason wants to do it alone and I am trying to understand but i just end up hurt and miserable. ACK! I hate being a complainer.

Okay on a happier note: my other brother, Christian, turned 12 today! I was in 11th grade when he was born, I remember getting out of school early because my mom went into labor and then Dustin and I just wandered around the hospital all day since we didn’t want to hang out with mom and watch her go through that much pain. When Christian finally arrived, it was very surreal. . . and has been ever since. Because i don’t have kids (and don’t plan to) he is my surrogate child and i brag about him as if he were mine. He’s so stinkin’ smart, I just love the little creep.

Today i started posting pictures onto my facebook account, old pictures and saw all those faces that i miss. My brother, my friends in Omaha, my sister, my friends from college. I never get to tell those people how much they meant to me or how much i love them, so if you are one of the afore mentioned people, please know you are loved.
To Erin, thanks for making me feel so special and that even though you have a gazillion friends I always felt like i was the bestest. I loved being part of your engagement, wedding and birth of Elias. I am so blessed to call you my friend.
To Jess, you are my sister so love me or hate me we are blood for life. thanks for giving me the courage to know that everything will be alright with my brother. thanks for letting me be part of your life and your wedding and i love you so much.
To Leigh, We have lived in the same state for 3 years now and i still never see you. thank you for going after your dreams and helping me realize it is possible. You have been such a blessing in my life.
To Kristyn, You are my sweet pea! I love spending time with you and pretending that Ani Difranco lives in the back of my car. I have so much fun with you, thank you for being my conscience when i need one and for alway being there when i need you. I was so honored to be in your wedding and to have you as my maid of honor. You are so loved.

To Dustin, please call me. . . i love you. I am so sad that we don’t talk right now, so sad. I miss you everyday. You are my rock and i am starting to crumble without you to hold me up. I love you.

To All, I am missing everyone a lot right now. I think it’s that time of year, 7 years since my baby sister went to heaven. It seems like yesterday. I love each of you and I know someday soon I’ll come see you, or you could come to Santa Barbara. . . it’s kinda magical here. Peas out!

So I have thought long and hard about what the heck i want my first blog to be about.  Am i really self-centered enough to wank about my life and expect everyone to care?  Or do I just write for me and not give a rats ass about who reads it?  But then why go to all the trouble to add pictures and links??

I think I am thinking about this way to much.  Well here is a snapshot of what I have been up to recently.  I am itchy as heck, apparently I am allergic to my emotions.  My hands and legs itch all day, no rash, just itchy.  I notice it happens every time I talk about my brother who I used to be very close to and have recently not been able to talk to.  First, the day he got out of his rehab center I had a severe panic attack.  I think I was so looking forward to him coming home and then he decided to move to Kansas City instead.  The thought of not seeing him again for a long time made me spin and have heart palpitations.  I have not fully recovered and now instead of panic attacks I just itch.  GREAT!?

I think my heart is just broken a little and I need to find something to do to occupy myself so I don’t have to think about it all the time.  Which is a great reason to start a blog, don’t you think?  (Not sure who I am talking to here)