The Goodenough Blog

I’ll tell you what, I have had a very interesting 9 days traveling around the Midwest.  It was like an ordained trip for me to spend in the loving arms of my friends and family and to spend a significant amount of time alone for the first time in 7 months.  It was such a great time of healing the past and reconnecting with myself, I want to do this every year.  The only down side is a lot of time in airports and on airplanes.
I started my trip in Denver and got to see my best friends from High School.  We had so much fun being silly and girly, we got pedicures and ate Halloween candy and had a blast.  Next I moved on to Kansas City to visit my brother (see post below) and not only cleared the air with him after 2 years of not talking.  But also cleared the air with his wife who I had not really talked to in years.  I also got to see my old manager Ben who did not really like me a whole lot the last time I talked to him.  But we had a really lovely time having drinks and remembering what a great time we used to have.

Then it was on to Omaha for some time with old friends.  I helped Mel and Lindsey make up, I talked to my favorite people, Pastor Ty and Terri. And I spent a lot of time letting go of Caffeine Dreams.  It looks awful which almost makes it easier not to be there anymore.  It doesn’t feel like my shop anymore because I would never have let it get into such disrepair.  I spent time with all the people who helped make my business fun and who I loved for a long time.  There is nothing like the feeling of letting go.  letting go of the stupid mistakes that we made because we were young and immature.  Letting go of the bitterness that I had towards the people who did not take our selling CD well, and letting go of the bad crap with my brother.  I am on a new path, from now on I am only going to have healthy relationships.  I can’t do it any other way.  I promise myself a new life with healthy friends.  Also every time I feel scared to do or try something, I need to ask myself “why am I scared to do this thing?” and I’m finding that the more I think about it the more I realize that I am scared of what other people think, just talking myself out of it.    But I have the power to talk myself into it too.  I promise myself that I will try.  Try for a new life, Amber, the past is over…thank god!

*phoenix airport Nov 8, 2009

I came to the Midwest because I was going to give my brother a piece of my mind.  Who does he think he is anyway not returning my phone calls and emails?  I wanted to let him know that I was tired of his bullshit and that he needed to have a relationship with me or else! I was terrified to bring up the subject once I finally got here though.  I kept waiting for the right moment and then just like I knew it would, the right moment presented itself.  We were trapped in the car on the way home and I just blurted out that I had some things to talk to him about.  He said “let’s hear it” with an eager anticipation that I was hoping for but not really expecting.  He is so open to talk about his recovery that I was like, “oh crap, what have I done”.

What I did was not give him a piece of my mind, but listen to a piece of his.  I really feel like he is getting better and using healthy language.  His life is really hard and serious right now as he learns to conquer his addiction and build a new life.  He explained it to me as this really heavy trench coat that he has to wear everyday and some days he would like to take it off, if only for a moment.  But working on sobriety means wearing it all the time, even in 90 degree weather.  And so for now he must struggle and rebuild relationships with everyone in his life.

I explained that I really want a relationship with him and that I didn’t want to go another 2 years with the same relationship we have now.  And he said that he would make an effort to connect with me if I would make an effort to learn about addiction and recovery.  So I guess I need a book or to go to a 12 step meeting to let him know that I support and care about his recovery and his life.  I can’t say whether or not I’ll make it to a meeting but I can definitely read a book.  For right now our relationship is going to be a little one sided since his recovery is all consuming.  The way he talkes to me has very little grace, but I know that he is in a world of pain right now and that I can have enough grace for the both of us.

So I get a gold star for confronting my brother, for listening to what he had to say and deciding to make an effort to repair our relationship.