Posted by ambolino | Posted in rambling, weight loss | Posted on 13-01-2009
I realized today that I always look forward to going to therapy, and then end up leaving upset and confused (in a good way). I am often confronted by my fears and by my own logic that tells me what I am doing and feeling is wrong. It’s like if I was listening to one of my friends describe my life as if it were theirs, I would know exactly what to say to them and could see clearly what is wrong and right. But when it’s right there in front of my face, I can’t see it. I can’t apply my great sense of logic when it comes to my relationships and my needs. But I think I am starting to turn a corner. Today we talked about my successes, my weight loss success and I recently started learning how to code xhtml, which is something I thought was incredibly complicated and above my head. I am finding that if I put my mind to something, there is little to keep me from doing it. So now I have to rediscover Amber, so that I can find out what I am passionate about. I can’t remember anymore because of all the years of pain and change and weight that kept my head underwater.
I have been existing for the last 8 years, not living, just existing. But this is the year it changes. I am going to move with Eric to England for 6 months in March and we don’t know when or where we’ll end up. I am going to find my passion, I am going to lose the weight that has been holding me back and making me feel bad about myself. These are all things you would never have heard me say 3 months ago. I was too scared and to petrified to try because I thought that I didn’t deserve good things and that they required too much energy, energy that I just didn’t have. But the small successes are making me see what might be possible, it’s still a little fuzzy but in time it will come into focus and life will be passionate again.
So today I ate:
- Stewed apples over pear and blackberries
- a grapefruit
- miso soup
- Fresh tuna with kale and caper dressing YUM!!!!!
- juice of cucumber, celery, alfalfa sprouts, ginger
- Adzuki Bean Hotpot with parsnip, sweet potato, leek, tomato and carrot
- salad with blanched broccoli, green beans, asparagus, peas, pine nuts and pumpkin seeds
